The Only Love Letter I Have Written In My Existence : A Letter For My Dearest

Dear Son,


I'm waiting for you for four months now and I've still got five months more to await your arrival. And I know that it'll be just few years 'till you'd be able to read this letter but your lifetime to fully understand what I'm really trying to say.

You weren't really expected to happen when I found out about you. But God knows I was more than glad to know you're someone I'll be expecting to be around in the next nine months. You may have been an accident but never did I consider you unwanted. I want you to know that you're the one thing I want to have in my life ever since I can remember.

You might start asking me questions even before you can start reciting the alphabet. Questions that not even any experienced grown-up can answer in a most appropriate manner that your pure and innocent mind will be able to grasp. So, in advance, forgive my inability to very well explain everything to you. I promise that I'll keep on trying to find the best way to express every thought I have of you and me and everything else that will tickle your curiousity.

I want to say my deepest apology because I'm sure you'd feel bad about not having a father around. I'll take the blame for that. I have made wrong decisions that you might be currently suffering from. But hear me out. Despite my mistakes, I tried everything, to the best of my ability, to win him back, to make him be here now, to let him be a part of your life. I'd say I might have contributed for his cowardice as my impulses might have taken him aback and repulsed. But I ask of you, don't resent him for not being around or for not being ready for you. He's got his reasons but it is just sad to say that he's unable to tell you that himself. I loved him and that's the main reason why you're in my humble womb, waiting to be introduced to this wonderfully insane world. So, if you can, spare him some affection for he is also half the reason why you're with the humanity now.

You might learn to hate me for not being a superb mother to you. But you must know that, just like every mother out there, I'm trying our best to be the best mother I could be to my child. Nobody's perfect, that's true. Though I'm not aiming for perfection, I always try to be the mother you'd be proud of, the one you'd love for being the only person who'll always be willing to help, guide, listen, and comfort you all the time. And I am just hoping for at least the slightest acknowledgement from you.

I know I might have been selfish at some point of my life, although you may not be aware about it, that's why I am making it up to all the people I consider important that I have let down, especially you. From the very second that I knew I'd be alone in raising you up until the time I can bear the pangs of loneliness, I'll be devoting my life to you, my son. This heart that have failed to find true love from total strangers will only love the ones of my own blood. My time that I have previously wasted on non-worthy things and people will be devoted to you alone. And my loyalty and faithfullness that have been ignored and disregarded by the people I have trusted before will be all towards you and your welfare. And all I'm asking from you in return is your open mind to understand that I am just your human mother and that I can't pull the stars for you even if I wanted to do so.

My dear, I want you know everything about me and learn the bests from it. But do not worry yourself too much about failing or committing mistakes for you, just like anybody else, are human and we are bound to make errors. Keep in mind that I will never love you less for being wrong nor will I harbor any form of resentment towards you if ever you disobeyed me. I would feel bad for sure but I'll try to understand with all my might the reason why you've decided to walk astray from my advise. And I'm sure you'll be feeling irritated that I've been telling you this repeatedly, but this the only advice I can never forget to tell you: "Follow your heart, but it is never wrong to be wise. And always be responsible for the things you've decided and acted upon." I hope you'll get my point for reiterating it.

I'll take care of myself to be sure I'll be around to take care of you. I'll do what it takes to stick around for the longest time possible for me so I'd see you grow up, fall down, stand back up, progress, and go on with life. Remember, I will always be here no matter what.

By the way, I am your mom, just in case you happen to forget. =)

 

k.o. 04052012

love

rest.in.peace

exists only in books;

romantacized in music,

given life in movies.

and we are fools

trying to immitate it.

i don't want to get drowned any more than i had before.

i walked by the shore for so long..

i was curious by the waves that tickles the sands as it wets them.

i neared it as my curiousity grows.

i dipped the tippest of my toe.

the next thing i know

i was struggling to make it back on the surface.

this note should have been posted months ago.

i often write notes or blog posts when i am sad and depressed. rarely did i express my extreme happiness through lengthy paragraphs only to tell 'i am happy'. a friend once asked using his status why does the world have so many sad love songs than the happy ones. i answered deliberately, "because when we are happy, we smile. we laugh. we jump for joy. and it is, more often than not, enough. but with sadness.. we weep. we cry. we scream. we weep some more. but it never suffice the feeling of being totally expressed. that's where poetry and music comes in. with heart-crushing lines and eye-welling melodies, our feelings are at least a little vented." whether people agree or not, i couldn't care less.

pounding each key.

i often write notes or blog posts when i am sad...and depressed.

meeting people should be something that never possesses grave disadvantages. it should be something we are grateful about because when you meet people, you learn. there's nothing more fun than learning, right? and i should know that. but some people are just not that fun to meet, to have knowledge of, to encounter, and to remember. it isn't nice to say (but i'll say it anyway) that i've felt gratefully meeting a person in such a time when i was nearly total guardless only to find out that he's aiming for the same spot where i was mortally injured. or perhaps, he's not another blade on my wound but rather a squeeze of lime upon it—a thing that creates a whole new level of pain. which makes it even harder to forget.

yes, i haven't forgotten YET (and i wish i have!). when a person knows how to be the biggest jerk of your life and acts it out very well, believe me, that person's memory is harder to erase. however, i wouldn't want to seek a help from another person just to show the desperate move to go on. i may have done that beofre. but no way now. never. i don't think it is wise to conceal a fresh wound with a pretentious unsterile bandage. if there is anything that will make me heal, it should be something from me. in line with that, i came up with a great plan. that is to do the exact opposite of what he's good at: loving someone truthfully, unselfishly, and unratedly; to love another human being without the idea of label and level.

these thoughts are overdued and should've been expressed long before it fossilized. this note should have been posted months ago. but since there are no such thing as right time...then maybe, not.

you don't like me.

you just like what you see on the surface.




the face
that looks cute or, yeah, pretty.


the hair
that looks fine.


the eyes
that seem expressive.


the smile (that i rarely show)
that felt warm and true.

the (f*cking) curves
that you think is somewhat sexy or hot.


the attitude
that you want to believe as unique.




you know nothing about me; about who i am, what i've been, and what i can become.




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orginally posted @ http://www.facebook.com/notes/karla-otic/you-dont-like-me/410040160796

i am happy.

and nothing that you say or do will ever make me otherwise.


i failed, so what?


it is your standards that i failed to meet, and that has nothing to do with my happiness.




i'm not going to feel sorry for what happened.


things do happen for a reason; good and bad (i forgot, it's all just a matter of perspective).


so, this time, i'm pushing myself to much more positive outlook in life.




i can always live without you, the scarecrows, in my life.




(this is the exact content of the poem i wanted to write 2 years ago. instead, i ended up writing 'dementor'. maybe next time i'll try again. lol)




^_^




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originally posted @ http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=336047365796
date: Friday, February 12, 2010 at 7:32pm

and i ate my own words.

________ __ _____ ____________ _____
____________ ____ ______.
__ ___________ ________,
_____ __ _____, ____.


_, ________ __________
___; ___________.
___________ ____ ______.


____ ______________ ____:
________ ___________
_____ __ ____ _______,
_______.


_______, _____, _________,
___________ _________ --
_____ ____ ________
__________ ____.


__________ ______
__ ______ ______.
__________; ____.


but i guess that's just human.



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originally posted @ http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=287914380796
date: Monday, January 25, 2010 at 5:02am